I had my 25 week midwife appointment on Monday and I told her that I am depressed again. The appointment was very rushed as they always are and I kind of blurted it out when I think she was expecting me to leave...so I ended up spending another 5 minutes filling in a referral form for a perinatal support service. I'm told someone will ring me to arrange a home visit and it's a sort of counselling service. She also suggested I could go on antidepressants again.
The thing is I've done this before, I'm had depression, had the breakdown, been on antidepressants. For a long time. It was a huge horrible struggle and something I found very hard to deal with because it hit me so unexpectedly and I was so appalled that my normal life was so very suddenly not so normal.
I don't want that to be my reality again. I know I need help, but I also want to push this away. It's my hormones. I had a breeze of a pregnancy for a few months, now I'm struggling. It's going to go away. I don't want to be on antidepressants. They were miraculous last time, but last time if something or someone hadnt helped me and made it all go away I wouldnt be here now.
It's different this time.
I have a very full life, I'm a mother, I have my best friends around me, my husband included. I am not wanting to give up or give in to this. I will welcome someone to talk to, but really just to sort out my head, to clear some space amidst the chaos. This is something I am going to solve myself. I am going to fight it. I am not going to go under. I have too much to lose.
On a lighter note, the midwife discussed labour with me and like all THREE midwives I have seen since my anomaly scan, told me that in her opinion I was highly likely to have an alarmingly quick birth. She also gave me the look the others have given me, the sort of "brace yourself" grimace.
In principle, I'm glad of this, who wants it to drag out?! However I'm also scared because I don't want the baby to fly out onto the hall carpet. The new hall carpet I might add. I think all this worry about speed is because my first labour was relatively quick, I went into labour early, spontaneously, and contracted at least a cm an hour. I also coped fine until 7cm on a bit of gas and air before they induced me and it all went tits up. The midwife explained that I could well be at home, managing the pain as I did last time, and all of a sudden my waters go and baby is ready to come in one push. I think also because there's less than a two year gap between babies my cervix ain't going to need much persuading to open up.
Saying all this, I'll probably be late and have a horrifically long labour, but everyone's advice is to prepare myself. And to change to a closer hospital. So I'm going to look round the hospital that's 10 minutes away, and probably change there, from the one I had Ollie at, where my Husband works, which is uber familiar but an hour away in rush hour traffic.
It's all getting a bit real now. I just want all the crap to go away and the good stuff to come, but I don't have that long to wait, and in the mean time the kitchen's taking shape :)
Thanks for reading xx